Look, I’ve been writing for years now and I still can’t resist a terrible car pun. There’s something about automotive wordplay that just… shifts my gears, you know? Last week I was getting my BMW serviced at EuroJap Performance in Adelaide, and while I’m sitting in their waiting room, I started thinking about all the awful car jokes I’ve collected over the years.
The mechanic walks over and goes “Your brake pads are shot.” And without missing a beat I said “Well I guess it’s time to put the brakes on that relationship.” He didn’t laugh. Nobody ever laughs. But that’s never stopped me before and it won’t stop me now.
So here’s my collection of the absolute worst car puns that make me laugh every single time. Judge me all you want.
The Classics That Never Get Old (Unlike My Transmission)
“I couldn’t afford the payment on my Kia, so they had to Sportage it.”
See what I did there? No? Well your loss because that one kills at parties. Or at least it kills conversations at parties which is basically the same thing.
“My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said – I was thinking about whether ‘exhausted’ counts as a car pun.”
It does, by the way. Everything counts as a car pun if you try hard enough.
The Ones That Make Mechanics Cry
Here’s the thing about car puns – they’re best deployed when someone’s already annoyed with you. Like when your mechanic is explaining why your engine sounds like a blender full of marbles.
“Why did the car go to therapy? It had too many issues.”
“What do you call a car that’s been in multiple accidents? Baroque.”
“I told my car a joke about its transmission but it didn’t clutch the punchline.”
That last one actually made my mechanic put down his wrench and walk away. Success.
The International Collection
Different car brands deserve different levels of terrible wordplay:
“I used to hate German cars but now I’m a convertible.” (This one works better if you say it out loud. Trust me.)
“Japanese cars are great but Toyota lot of money for them.”
“My friend’s Italian car broke down. Must’ve run out of gas-ta.”
Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?
You know what? I’ve been thinking about this while writing. Why do we love these terrible jokes? Maybe its because cars are expensive and stressful and sometimes you just need to laugh about the fact that your check engine light has been on since 2019.
Or maybe its because deep down we’re all just kids who think saying “vroom vroom” is peak comedy. Either way I’m not stopping.
The Grand Finale of Terrible
Before I go, here’s my absolute favorite worst car pun of all time:
“I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.”
mic drop
picks mic back up because I remembered another one
“My car’s engine wouldn’t start so I gave it a stern talking to. Apparently it just needed a pep talk.”
Okay NOW I’m done. If you made it this far without groaning at least twelve times, you’re either lying or you have the sense of humor of a parking meter. Either way thanks for reading and remember – life’s too short to drive boring cars or tell good jokes.
-Bryce
P.S. – If you’re ever in Adelaide and need someone who won’t judge you for making terrible car puns while they fix your ride, the team at EuroJap are solid. They fixed my Beemer and only rolled their eyes at my jokes twice. That’s basically a five star review in my book.